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Excerpted from Creating Love by John Bradshaw. Copyright 1992 by John Bradshaw. Excerpted by permission of Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc.  All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.  HTML and web pages copyright by SpiritSite.com.
 


"After I married, I can remember driving home, vowing to be sweet and loving no matter what, and then walking in the house and immediately saying something critical."

John Bradshaw, Creating Love, Part 2

Another baffling aspect of love is our hatefulness with loved ones. I have often been the most hateful and mean with the people I love the most.

After I married, I can remember driving home, vowing to be sweet and loving no matter what, and then walking in the house and immediately saying something critical. Afterward I would feel terrible about what I did or said. A week or so later I would do it again.


The "In-Love" Bafflement

I remember the day Jack and Jill married. What a joyous occasion! The dinner toasts the night before, the beautiful maids-in-waiting, the bridegroom, the flowers, Jill herself in her shimmering dress. I had counseled them during the year of their engagement. I had some serious reservations about their getting married, but no two people were more truly in love, I thought.

Jack's whole demeanor changed in their early days together. He started exercising, ate nutritious food, and completely came out of the depression he'd been in. Jill was radiant. She had started therapy, and she went at it with the excitement of a child exploring the world. Jack and Jill said they were happier than they had ever been. They seemed happy.

After two years of intensely dramatic conflict, affairs, and an unsuccessful attempt at annulment, Jack and Jill divorced. A split-screen movie showing this couple's courtship and early marriage on one screen and their bitter fighting and divorce on the other would offer an amazing, almost unbelievable contrast.

I remember how confused Jill was at the very end. I remember how baffled Jack was as he asked me, "What happened? What happened? How could this happen?"

This was the second marriage I had been through with Jack. There would be a third after I was gone.

The Love-As-Endurance Bafflement

For some the sad story never ends.

I think of another woman I counseled. Let's call her Lady G. She had been married thirty-eight years. Her husband was a top-notch salesman. He had also been a great athlete, honored in the press, popular. He was Mr. Nice Guy to everyone--everyone but Lady G. At home he was petty, mean, and self-centered.

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