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Dear Spirit Coach, featured as part of SpiritSite.com's "Coaching Corner" column, is Copyright © 2001 by Dr. Kathi Ann Middendorf. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission. HTML and web pages copyright © by SpiritSite.com.

"The more complete you are within yourself, the more likely you will be to have a healthy and happy relationship."


  Dr. Kathi Ann Middendorf, Dear Spirit Coach

On Relationships

Dear Spirit Coach,

I am afraid I may ruin my present relationship by being too needy. How can I stop this? I really want to keep this person in my life.  -- Mark

Dear Mark,

You must become unattached to specific occurrences in the relationship. If you really "have to" to see the person and she doesn’t want to see you, you have opened yourself up to disappointment. When you are disappointed, it is communicated to her through your voice, your actions and your energy. It feels like a drag (on her energy) to her, and she will want to be around you less, rather than more.

If you really want to "hold onto the relationship" you must let go. Think of the relationship like holding a bird in the palm of your hand. As long as you are relaxed the bird will remain. As soon as you tense up and grab the bird, it will fly away. The same is true of your relationship. The more at ease you are, and the less needy you are, the stronger will be the relationship. Your partner is not drawn to you by what you need, but by who you are.

Your partner is not meant to complete you. The more complete you are within yourself, the more likely you will be to have a healthy and happy relationship.

Your job in the relationship is to develop total, unconditional self-love. The more you love yourself, the more you will be perceived as lovable. 

Can you think of anything more attractive than a beaming bride or a new mother holding her baby for the first time? The reason they are so beautiful is that they are radiating the love they feel. When you radiate this degree of self-love, you become irresistibly attractive to those around. This is how you can build a stronger relationship…become irresistibly attractive and loving.

On Life's Messages

Dear Spirit Coach,

It seems like bad stuff keeps happening to me, and not small things...really major problems. I always try to focus on the positive, so I don’t understand why this is happening. -- Jean

Dear Jean,

When you focus only on the positive, you may be missing clues that life is sending to you. I think this may be true because you say that your problems are really major.

As we go through life we get messages when we are out of alignment in some area of our life. If we pay attention to the message, and bring ourselves back into alignment, we are complete with the issue, and go on to other experiences. 

If we choose not to recognize it and respond to it, life will ratchet up a level and present us with a lesson around the same issue. Again, we have the choice to respond and come into alignment, or, again to ignore the lesson. If we choose the latter, we are then presented with a problem. Most often, when things get to the problem level, we respond and clear the cause. However, if we do not, again life will take it up another level and we find ourselves in the midst of a crisis. At this crisis level, we are forced into action.

The key to not getting to the problem or crisis level is to be aware and to respond to what life brings to you. Here is where we get into a spiritual paradox. Yes, it is good to focus on the positive…where consciousness goes, energy flows. However, we don’t focus on the positive at the expense of taking care of something out of alignment. 

When the message is received, respond to put things in order, and then have a positive attitude about the outcome. Don’t skip the awareness and response steps and believe that only thinking positive thoughts will make everything OK…you also have to do your part.

On Difficult Jobs

Dear Spirit Coach,

I'm at a crossroads with the issue of my controlling boss, and I'd like your opinion. Do you think these controlling people/situations keep entering my life because I need to learn how to deal with them instead of run? If I change jobs, am I setting myself up for this situation to manifest, yet again, because I didn't learn now to deal with him? Is changing jobs the easy way out? -- Susan


You are asking some pretty profound questions, and there are no simple answers. Yes, you will probably repeat lessons until you have completely healed the cause. That said, it is always an "inside job" rather than an outside job...meaning that the outside circumstance is only a trigger or reflection -- not the cause.

So the question becomes: can I stay in the frame of mind I need to be in to tap into my own strength and power if I remain in this position? And, if you can answer "yes", it makes sense to stay where you are and take steps to work through the control issues there. 

If your answer is "no", that you are so miserable in your present condition that you are throwing up each morning before you go to work, or you are such a nervous wreck that you fear every encounter in the office, then I would say moving to another position would be in your own best interest. Some people get to this point and develop a severe illness as a way of removing themselves from an untenable situation. As you know, that is not a solution.

If you can remain where you are, and from the core of your being, change the way you are perceiving and dealing with the situation, the energy of control will shift automatically and appropriately. If you cannot change from the inside out, the issue of control will continue to be "in your face."

Some ways of changing your perception are to "step into the other's shoes" and look at the situation from his/her perspective; let go of the attachment to being right; forgive the person and yourself for any and all transgressions, real or imagined; and do what is necessary to become complete with whatever happened in the past, even if it means reliving and forgiving childhood situations that come to mind when you think of issues around power and control.

I hope that some of these observations will help you in making your decision. Let me know if anything herein has triggered a further question.

Dr. Kathi Ann Middendorf is a Spiritually based Personal and Professional Coach. She works with individuals and teams who are ready to embrace positive changes and move to a higher level of effectiveness and satisfaction in their personal and work lives. A major strength is helping clients find and live their life purpose. She is the immediate past president of the North Carolina Association of Personal and Business Coaches, and is the present chairperson of Spiritual Frontiers Fellowship of the Triangle. You can visit Kathi’s web site at coachyourspirit.com (site will open in a new window).

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